


Where's Home?

by Mara9002



Series: Definition of Home [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-08-29 08:41:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16740730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mara9002/pseuds/Mara9002
Summary: Compliant to 806.  His friends want him to come home.  He doesn't know what that means anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
The tent needs to be repaired. I know I’ve left it too long. It’s time to think about options. Aaron wants me to come back to Alexandria but I can’t. It’s too hard to see Michonne and the kids there without him. It’s too hard to be there without him. Jesus says come to Hilltop. That’s better, I guess but without Maggie it’s not home. I can’t go to Kingdom. Watch her with him, creating some new family. No options really. Need a new tent.

The days go by so slowly. I can’t remember the last time I spoke out loud. I could talk out loud all day if I wanted. No one here to hear me anyways. The days are boring. Hunt, fish, tend to the camp, more arrows, clean up. The same every day. 

The nights are awful. I try not to sleep. The nightmares are bad. Governor, Claimers, Negan, that bridge. All of it replaying in my head, all of it just as fucked up as the real thing. The regrets are worse. The guilt overwhelming. Hershel, Beth, Tyrese, Noah, Denise, Glen, Abraham. The list is long. Rick’s death was on me too. That’s the worst one. I can’t forgive myself for my part in his end and I don’t think Maggie could either. That’s why she went to stay with that crazy bitch with the book of windmills and shit. I don’t blame her for wanting to get far away from the memories, from Negan, from me. I wish I could get away from me too.

Aaron and Jesus come out to see me sometimes. They are finding happiness together and that’s the way it should be. They deserve it. They both tried to get me to come back to one of the communities at the beginning. They kid with me that trying to persuade me is the thing that brought them together. At least that’s a good thing to come out of it. Sometimes I wish they’d stop coming though. It hurts to see them so happy. Selfish but I can’t help it.

I lost my chance at that. Long ago and now it’s just the drag of the day. The emptiness and the lack of anything to drive me forward. Lost that drive when I lost Rick on that bridge. He pushed me.

I’m fishing when I hear the horse. It’s being ridden by someone. I duck down and circle around. The bow is in my hand and aimed before I realize it’s Carol. What is she doing here? How did she find me? I stay down and hope that she leaves. No such luck, should’ve known better really. She’s one stubborn woman.

“Daryl, I know you can hear me. Come out here and talk to me.”

I can’t move. I’m embarrassed that she knows I’m here. I’m hiding and she knows it. It’s humiliating if I’m honest with myself.

“I’m not leaving dear. Just come out and talk. It’s okay.”

She’s patronizing me. Treating me like a wounded animal. That isn’t far from the truth though so I guess I shouldn’t be pissed. 

“Whatcha want woman?”

She smiles at me and I want to smile back but don’t. Smiling seems disrespectful considering everything we’ve lost.

“To see you of course. I’ve missed you Pookie.”

The nickname makes me flinch. It reminds me of all the things we’ve gone through together. And how far apart we’ve been all these years.

“Uh-huh. What else?”

“Come home. This isn’t healthy. It isn’t good for you, Daryl. He wouldn’t want this.” I wish she wouldn’t have mentioned him. I’m angry immediately.

“Don’t fucking manipulate me Carol. This is home. I’ve told all you all that this is where I’m staying, I don’t know what is wrong with you that you can’t understand.”

She frowns at me, “Don’t scream at me Mr. Dixon. I’m not the scared mouse I was back in that stable when you called me a stupid bitch. I won’t be frightened off by your dirty fucking mouth.”

The cursing surprises me. Not that I ain’t ever heard her curse before but she don’t usually. “I know you ain’t a mouse. You never were. You survived Ed and everything that came after.”

She smiles sweetly and I look at the ground. She has no idea what she’s doing to me but that doesn’t make it hurt less. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me Pookie. See this is why you have to come back with me. Who’s going to say such nice things to me otherwise?”

“You have a man for that. Why don’t you go home to him?”

“No man could take your place dear. You were first.”

The teasing tone both makes me warm and cuts at the same time. This isn’t fair. I know I’m not going to go with her to Kingdom, I couldn’t stay there and watch them together. But she isn’t going to let it go so easily. I’ve tried not talking and being angry and now I’m out of ideas on how to get her to leave me be.

I decide to go a new way, “Carol I can’t. I can’t go to Alexandria and see Michonne and those kids, Negan in the cell, I can’t. I can’t go to Hilltop and think about Maggie and I ain’t ever gonna feel at home at Kingdom. I just can’t.”

My head is down, eyes on the ground. She’s quiet. She gets off of the horse and walks towards me. I tense up all over. My body acting like it did when my old man was getting riled. She isn’t going to hit me but she can still hurt me.

“None of it was your fault. None of it. No one blames you but you. I wish I understood why you take everything as your responsibility when it isn’t. You’re a good, kind, honest man. I hate to see you like this. It’s wrong. You deserve so much more,” she’s crying and I wish I could disappear. She shouldn’t cry for me. I can’t say anything now. My tongue frozen and my brain stopped.

As if she knew what was going on in my head she continues, “You don’t have to say anything. I know that no matter what I say it isn’t going to change what goes on in that adorable head of yours. The tears are for you and your pain but they’re for me too. I miss you. Kingdom could use your skills. Any of the communities would be lucky to have you and you’d be welcome at any of them. I wouldn’t tell you that if it wasn’t true. It breaks my heart to see you hide away from everyone who loves you. And they do still love you sweetheart. I’m going to go. But I’ll be back in a month. Think about what I’ve said. This has gone on long enough.”

She closed the distance and hugged me. She smelled good and I’m sure I smell awful but she leans into the hug and puts her head on my shoulder. My throat hurts from trying not to cry and I don’t say anything but I squeeze her and hold on. When I let go she steps back, wipes at her eyes and mounts the horse to leave. I know I should say something but I don’t. She waves and then she’s gone. And I’m alone again.

The rest of the day I hunt and do some odd jobs around the camp. My hands are busy but my mind is a thousand miles away. My chest actually hurts when I think about Carol, Michonne, Judith and the others. I miss them but I just don’t think I can go back to being a part of a group. Of getting close. Of caring that much again. It seems too hard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the 1st thing I have written that other people have seen, so thank you for reading it. I will try to post a new chapter every day. Thanks again.

I lose track of the days easily. The next time I hear noises in the forest the weather is warmer. This is Jesus and Aaron. I know before they are anywhere near. Jesus calls out my name and I stand up and greet them at the trap line. They tie up the horses and dismount. We hug and they come and sit on the log on the other side of the fire. Jesus once called it my parlor for greeting guests. Aaron laughed so hard at that. They belong together those two.

“What brings you two out here?”

“You. We are having a barbecue at Alexandria and all the communities are coming. Come and see everyone.”

“Aaron, I’m not going to do that.”

“Alright but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Several of the others know you live near here. They are planning on forming a search party and looking until they find you. They have threatened me and Jesus with bodily harm if we don’t help. Once they ask Carol though it’s all over.”

I look down and hide my face. I don’t want either man to see the complete panic that causes in me. I can’t have those people here. I’ve spent too much time hiding from them.

“It would be better if you came to Alexandria, then you could retreat back here and no one would come looking for you,” Jesus says this as if he’s trying to help and I can’t tell whether he is or not. Maybe he’s manipulating me too.

“Tell em don’t.”

“They won’t listen. And honestly can you blame them? They love you and you have been hiding away for all this time. They’ve had enough, man. They are staging an intervention.”

“Thought that was for drugs?”

“We don’t have any drugs anymore so now it’s for people who are addicted to taking the blame for things that aren’t their fault,” Aaron says this with a kind smile but the words are serious. He sounds exasperated.

The panic raises a notch. I can’t do this. As if he can read my mind, Jesus ducks his head and makes eye contact with me. The move reminds me of Rick so bad I can’t breathe. I close my eyes and try to get my breathing straight before they notice.

Jesus smiles and again it’s the way you smile at a wounded animal or a frightened child, “Daryl, it’s going to just get harder the longer you put it off. Just do it and be done with it.”

That thought has occurred to me before. That the fear I feel would get better if I faced it. But hiding from things that hurt me has been a lifelong occupation and I’m not sure I can quit now.

Jesus looks at me with that serene Son of God look that he has perfected over the years. “It will be okay. They love you. They miss you. Just see them once.”

I shake my head and out of the corner of my eye I see Aaron look at Jesus with sadness. They look lost with how to proceed. A part of me feels guilty for causing them pain but that part is at war with the rest of the guilt I carry.

“Please tell them not ta do this. I can’t do this. Please,” the last word is said quietly. Dixon’s don’t beg but it’s a close thing.

“I can’t make any promises. They are a resourceful group. But you know that better than anyone. I think if they want to find you they will. Even Judith is on board to find her Uncle Daryl. That girl is the one you should be afraid of. She’s tough. Michonne told me her nickname when she was a baby was Asskicker and she can pull that off.”

That hurts. Did Michonne tell him that I gave Judith that name? Is he using that? It’s a low blow. I don’t respond but I taste blood and realize that I’m chewing on my lip. I can feel the anger building again and I want to yell or hit someone. A large part of me just wants to run. They are trying to do what they think is right but they don’t realize how much they’re hurting me.

“Just go home guys. Tell everyone to leave me be. I’m not who they think I am.”

Aaron gets up from the log. He walks straight at me and drops to his haunches in front of me. My body tenses and it reminds me of Carol not that long ago. It’s stupid because I know Aaron won’t hurt me.

“Daryl I love you but you are the dumbest man I know.”

That wasn’t what I thought he was going to say. I look up at him and he’s not even smiling. He makes a motion with his hand that says stand up and I do before I’ve even thought about it.

He goes on, “I don’t know what else we can say to convince you to come back and be with the people who love and need you. This,” he waves his prosthetic hand around to include the camp, “is childish and selfish. You want to stay here and not deal with the shit that happened after Rick died. You want to avoid all of the things that can hurt you. I didn’t get to do that, Jesus didn’t and Michonne didn’t. Get off your ass, stop feeling sorry for yourself and contribute to something larger than yourself because that’s who you really are. You’re a man who can tell the good from the bad just like you were all those years ago when I met you. So start using those skills to build something instead of tearing yourself down every day. It’s getting old. Grow up.”

Aaron turns around and walks to the horse, he mounts and looks back at Jesus. Jesus is looking at him like he has killed a kitten. Aaron clicks to the horse and he’s gone. Jesus looks after him and then turns to face me. My face is as expressionless as I can make it but I’d bet it’s about three different shades of red. I don’t look at Jesus but he walks over to me and goes to hug me. I flinch hard, something I haven’t done with him since the very beginning. He steps back and raises his hand in a wave.

“I don’t know what to say, Daryl. He will feel bad for saying those things as soon as we are away from here. He’s just frustrated. He wants good things for you, we all do, and it’s hard when you are the one preventing those things. He loves you. It’s hard to see someone you love so hurt.”

“Yeah, the love was obvious. Tell him if it’s so hard, he can stay his ass home. Don’t come back here. I’m done;” I turn and go into the tent. I hear Jesus leave. 

The visit from Jesus and Aaron unsettles me. I’m anxious and twitchy, unable to sit still. I don’t need to fish or hunt, did that yesterday, but I can’t just sit here so I go hunting. Trying to lose myself in the rhythms of it. Three hours later and I haven’t caught anything and I’m no calmer. The rest of the day and into the night is a blur of pain and anxiety.

Some days are like this. I wish I still had that book about survivors of childhood abuse because I remember a section on PTSD and I wonder if that’s what I have. The day just gets worse and worse and there is no way away from it. I have a few books and I try reading, hunting, fishing, working on the camp but none of it calms me. I wish there were some drugs to take or something to dull the pain but as Aaron pointed out all of that is gone. The way I feel is torture. I decide to go on a run tomorrow. I need to find a new tent or a way to patch this one.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day I leave just at daybreak. The nearest town is miles away and puts me near the road between Hilltop and Alexandria. I’ve been there a few times and have never run into anyone so that’s where I’m going today. The town is quiet and deserted. A herd blew through a while back but it’s long gone. It’s almost peaceful and I wonder if I could take one of the houses here and live there. Maybe someone would notice though and since it’s so close to the communities I might get found. I go house to house looking for a tent or tarp or anything I can use to repair the tent. It’s slow going. The 10th house I come out of is when I hear noises that I know are people. I crouch down and hide. Been doing that a lot lately.

It’s Michonne and she is talking to someone. From behind a tree comes a young girl of about 10. She’s beautiful, long hair in braids and I know it is Judith. The tears are immediate. Not 50 feet away is Lil Asskicker. She looks healthy, strong and she’s carrying Rick’s gun. The noise slips out before I can stop it and it is a noise I’ve never heard myself make. One of pain. Michonne turns towards me and when did her ears get so good? 

“Who’s there? We don’t want any trouble.” Michonne says this as if she’s afraid but that’s bullshit. I don’t answer. But she knows someone’s here and she isn’t going to let it be. I try to sneak back into the house but Michonne is still yelling from the street. My eyes on her and I’m wondering if she will go away if she doesn’t hear me again. I’m turning around to enter the house when I hear a young, strong voice from behind.

“Stop right there and drop your weapon,” the voice is cold and I wonder about the life she leads that made her that way.  
Michonne is running towards us and I can’t take the chance that Judith will actually shoot me. I put the crossbow on the ground. Judith eyes it.

“My Uncle Daryl has one of them. Do you know him?”

She doesn’t recognize me but it has been 6 years so that’s not surprising. If it weren’t for Michonne I could get out of this. But Michonne is already walking up behind me. I turn around and hear her sharp gasp. Daryl?” it’s whispered and then she is in my space. Hugging me and crying. I’m crying too and I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. She has her arms around my neck and she is saying things but I can’t hear them. The blood is pounding in my ear and I just want to get away. It shouldn’t be this hard to be around this woman who knows me better than my brother ever did. She steps back but she’s still holding on to my shoulders. She looks me up and down.  
Judith is still pointing the gun at me and Michonne waves it down. She turns to the girl and says, “Jude this is your Uncle Daryl. He’s been away awhile but now he’s come back to visit.”

My mouth opens but nothing happens and then Judith has wrapped her arms around my waist. “Uncle Daryl, where you been? Why haven’t you been to see me? I miss you.” 

She is looking at me with love and I wonder where that comes from. She was my girl for years but she can’t remember any of that so why the huge smile.

“Jude can you go sit on that bench over there so I can talk to your uncle?”

She frowns but goes and I’d love to go with her. “Daryl…” she’s speechless, not sure how to proceed. I can see pain on her face and I’m not sure how to figure that. Is it seeing me that hurts, reminds her of him? She should hate me. My fault, he wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me. The guilt makes me feel small, wish I could disappear.

“’m sorry. I’ll go. Didn’t mean to run into anyone. Don’t want to hurt ya.”

“Is that so?” she seems angry and I want to run. But I’ll stay and let her yell and curse me because she deserves that closure. I wait for the words that will tear me apart. She moves closer to me and I stare at the sword. That katana could kill me and maybe it should. Deserve it if there’s justice in the world. She dips her head to make eye contact and I look up and meet her gaze. There’s tears there, streaming down her face though she’s quiet.

“If you didn’t want to hurt me, then you should have been there for me, for us,” she nods back in Judith’s direction, “we needed you. We all needed you. That little girl cried for hours when she realized her Daddy wasn’t coming home and you know what I kept thinking? I thought of how you were the only one who could get her to stop crying right after she was born. Before Rick could be her dad, you were. That girl needed you, we all did. And you ran. You coward,” she closes the distance between us and hits my chest with her fist. Again and again and I take each hit. My eyes are on Judith, sitting on the bench and staring at something on the ground. I feel the blows to my chest as they continue and I don’t stop them, don’t talk. Don’t know what I can say. What’s she’s said hurts but I can’t understand it either. Why would she want me there after what happened? I betrayed Rick and he died. I might as well have killed him myself. 

Judith looks up and sees what is happening. She runs over yelling stop the whole way over, “Stop Mama, stop. He’ll go away again if you hurt him. Uncle Daryl don’t go, don’t go.” She throws herself between me and Michonne and Michonne stops and stares like she’s never seen the girl before.

My eyes hurt from crying and I can’t get my mouth to work. How can I leave now? But if Michonne hates me so much, I can’t go back there either. And there’s still Negan to think about. I look at the girl who now has her arms around me and is looking up with love and fear warring on her young face. 

“Go ahead Daryl. Break her heart again. Leave her when she needs you just like you left us all 6 years ago.” Michonne picks up her sword and walks away. She doesn’t go far. Judith is looking at me with tears and I still can’t make my mouth work. I’m stuck. I sit down on the ground and she falls into my lap. She smells clean and healthy. She leans against me and is holding my shirt in her hands. 

“Jude, I have to talk to your mom some more. I don’t think she likes me right now and she has reason to not. It’s weird girl.”

“Do you still love me? Aunt Carol tells me stories about how you took care of me when I was a baby and how you gave me the nickname I ain’t allowed to say. She says you love me but you wouldn’t leave if you did, not again.”

“Jude, I never stopped loving you but it’s not that simple. Let me talk to your mama, okay?”

“Okay. Then we can go home.”

She gets up and moves back to the bench. She passes Michonne and says something to her and Michonne heads back this way. Her head down and I wonder what she’s thinking. Know I’ll have to say something now but don’t know what.

“Didn’t think you’d want me around. Thought you’d hate me. Me and Maggie and everything that happened was my fault. He wouldn’t have been there if I hadn’t done what I’d done. My fault and I can’t forgive myself so why would you?”

“Rick would’ve ended up on the bridge no matter where he started, Daryl. He would’ve seen it as his job, his duty. He wouldn’t’ve wanted anyone else there but him. He died saving everything that mattered to him, the people, the communities. It was a just way for him to go. I hate that he died, I miss him every day but it was his destiny.”

“Should’ve been me. He had you, Jude, was the leader. I’m still nothing, nobody all these years after everything went to shit. I see him in my dreams, Chonne, can’t sleep, so afraid that in my dreams he’ll tell me the truth, my fault.”

“Oh Daryl. He loved you. Was so upset that things between you weren’t good. Thought he was fucking things up by not listening to you. He had so many doubts and the fact that you didn’t agree with him made those doubts bigger. He missed your council so much. And we need you now more than ever. He thought so highly of you and the way you see what is important. You knew we couldn’t maintain the communities the way we were going and you were right. But with your help we could put it back together again. Please Daryl, come back.”

“Can’t live in Alexandria. It would feel haunted to me, Negan’s there too and I just couldn’t do it. Hilltop without Maggie would feel wrong too. Can’t go to Kingdom either. Don’t belong anywhere, never have.”

“Why not Kingdom? Carol’s there and they could use the help. Things there aren’t great. A lot of stuff is breaking down and they could use someone good with his hands and his mind.”

“And be led by a guy who calls himself King? Please.”

Michonne laughed. It was a beautiful sound I didn’t have the right to hear it, “He’s not so bad. Hilltop might take some getting used to but I think it would be a great fit if you can’t do Alexandria. There’s a council, Jesus, Aaron, Tara and Alden. They work well together and Hilltop is doing well. But to be honest the communities are fractured. They don’t trade often and things are tense. We’ve invited everyone to Alexandria to try to mend fences but I don’t know whose coming.”

“Why so tense?”

“Hilltop stands behind what Maggie wanted to do. Did you know she chose to spare him? I didn’t stop her, she chose not to.”

“Yeah, Aaron told me. Him and Jesus come to see me sometimes,” I don’t mention the recent falling out.

“I don’t want you to fade back into the forest. I know a lot of people were going to go look for you during the barbecue. We miss you and we need you. Think about it. Come to the barbecue, it’s in 3 days. Please. Even if you don’t stay, it would mean the world to some of us.”

“Let me think. I never meant for any of this to happen. If he were still here these people would still be together. He could do that. Nothing is going to get better just cause I’m there.”

“Come anyway. For me, and her.” She looks at the bench. 

I walk towards Judith and she sees me coming. She starts to cry and I feel awful already. “We will see each other again, Lil Asskicker. I need time to think. See you soon. I love you girl and that ain’t gonna change.” She hugs me tight and I return it. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I can’t be the reason this girl cries again. She’s cried too much.


	4. Chapter 4

Three days later and I’m not closer to a decision. Truth be told, being out here alone is comfortable, easy. The idea of going to Alexandria and being in the middle of all that is weird, don’t know if I can. I think about the visit from Carol, Aaron and Jesus, running into Michonne and Judith. Like someone trying to tell me something after all this time alone. Don’t believe in God no more but maybe someone’s looking down and thinking I need to stop being stupid and get on with things. Maybe I could help. I pick up a bag and pack some things. I’m not far from Alexandria through the woods. Can be there in 2 hours. I leave before I have time to talk myself out of it.

Just outside of Alexandria and I realize that I’m absolutely filthy. Stupid that I didn’t think of that beforehand. I stop at a stream and strip to bathe. The water is cold so I go as quickly as possible and get out to change into clothes less dirty than what I was wearing. I hear a wolf whistle and drop low to the ground. Stunned that I didn’t hear anyone approach. More embarrassed about that than being caught with my pants down. 

“It’s just me Daryl. Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

It’s Jesus, which I should’ve known. Only one who can sneak up on me. I’m still embarrassed. Wonder if he’s seen the scars before. Too late now. “Whatcha sneaking up on me for?”

“Didn’t know it was you til I got closer. Tell me you are going to Alexandria.”

“Yep. All you people won’t leave me alone so here I am. Didn’t want everyone crashing through my camp.”

“Aaron will be so happy. He feels awful about the things he said. Hasn’t had the time since to come out and apologize. It’s been busy lately. Are you still mad at him?”

“We’ll be fine.”

“Good. Everyone’s going to be so happy to see you. And we sure could use your help.”

“Didn’t say I was staying long term, man. Coming to the party because everybody and their sister been hounding me. That’s all I’m promising.”

“Ok. Headed there now?”

“Yeah. You too?”

“Yep. Tara’s up on the road. See it could’ve been worse, she could’ve seen you in your birthday suit,” he says this with a teasing grin and I can feel myself heat up. I know I’m blushing.

“Has before. Doesn’t matter to her regardless. She ain’t interested.”

He laughs hard and I realize that I’ve never seen him laugh like that. Head thrown back and smile a mile wide. It’s nice to see.

“True, true. Matters to me though,” he says with a wink and if I believed him, I would clock him. He’s with Aaron now and if he hurts Aaron there’d be hell to pay. I huff at him and he smiles, “Want a ride. Plenty of room on this saddle.”

He’s still teasing so I ignore him and walk up to the road. There’s Tara on a horse until she sees me and she slides down and jogs to me. I’m hugged again and she is patting my back like she’s burping me and seems near to crying. I can’t take anymore crying so I step back and smile.

“Holy shit, Dixon. Where the hell you been?”

“Good to see ya girl. How are ya?”

“Better now. Coming to the party?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“About time. Want to ride with me? You look clean enough.”

I huff a laugh and she smiles. I climb on and she gets on the back. Jesus pouts at me like he’s mad I didn’t ride with him and I frown at him. We are on our way. I can smell the meat before we get to the gate. It makes me realize I haven’t eaten in a while. There are wagons parked outside the gates and there must be a lot of people here. My anxiety rises and I begin to think this was a terrible idea.  
What I hadn’t told any of them is that sometimes I freak out. Loud noises like the crack of a branch sound like the gun on that bridge. Nightmares never stop and leave me exhausted. Sometimes I lose time. One minute I’m at the camp and the next I am hundreds of miles away with no memory of getting there. Alone I don’t have to explain this but now I might. The sweating starts right away and I must be shaking because Tara has wrapped her arms around my waist and is whispering stuff in my ear. It’s calming. I lean back into her and I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I don’t know what she’s saying but it helps. 

“It’s okay. We can stay right here for a bit till you’re ready, man. No problem. We’ll make an entrance when you’re up for it. It’ll be so cool.”

If I wasn’t in the saddle facing front, I would hug this woman. She knows what is happening and instead of asking me to talk she just knows what I need. We sit here for a bit. I know Jesus is here with us too but he doesn’t say anything. I’m grateful for that too. 

“I’m good. Can go now. Sorry.”

“All good, guy. No sweat.”

I’ve missed this woman, “Thank you.”

We head to the gate and then we are in. Alexandria looks different. It’s huge with farmland and a central courtyard that is decorated and filled with tables and chairs. There are people everywhere and I feel my heart speed up. I don’t think I can do this. Then I see Carol. She is in the middle of the tables with Henry, her son, and Michonne. I try not to look at the others and head straight there. There are whispers as others realize who I am but no one stops me. I’m out of breath when I get to the 2 women and Carol is looking at me. She knows this is costing me and she smiles encouragingly. Hugs are exchanged and she introduces me to Henry who then wanders away. Michonne hugs me but I can tell from the look on her face that she knows something is wrong. The back of my neck itches and I feel like everyone is looking at me. I want to run.

“Come with me and help me check on the food,” Carol waves in the direction we’re going. She doesn’t touch me and I’m glad because I probably wouldn’t have reacted well. I don’t know how she knows these things but she does, “We’ll be right back, Chonne.”  
We walk away and turn a corner. There’s less people and I feel better but I still wish I was at my camp. I look at Carol and I feel like I might lose control. That’s another thing that happens sometimes. I cry, suddenly and uncontrollably. It bothers me but when I’m alone I don’t usually stress too much about it, but here it would be humiliating. I’m close right now.

“Take a deep breath, Pookie. You are okay. Among friends. It’ll be alright.”

“It’s not that simple,” my voice wavers and I can’t look at her. “Sometimes I can’t help it.”

“Dear, we all have times like that now. The whole world has PTSD.”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m better now. Think I could just stay here?”

She smiles at me but I know that I can’t. I came here to see the others and that’s what I’m going to do.


	5. Chapter 5

I stay on the outskirts of the group and am amazed at how fast people realize I’m there. Aaron comes over and we don’t even say anything, just hug. He doesn’t have to apologize, there was some truth to what he was saying. Judith comes over and takes me on a tour. She walks around the whole town, telling me who lives in each house. We get to the house I know houses Negan and Judith stops.

“Negan lives here in the basement. He must be sleeping cause he usually sits by the window. He says it’s like TV now. He had to tell me what TV was, it sounds cool.”

“You talk to him a lot?”

“Yeah, he’s weird. No good to anyone, can’t even help with the gardens. Helps me with school work sometimes when Mama is busy. Mama says he’ll never get out. That he did bad things and is not a good person. She told me he killed Uncle Glen and that makes me sad for Aunt Maggie and Hershel. So I can’t like him.”

“Is that you Judith?”

“Yeah I’m here with my Uncle Daryl.”

The noise from the cell window is not one that I would’ve thought Negan could make. It sounds weak and surprised. Hurt almost.  
“Daryl’s here?”

“Yeah, he’s visiting.”

I wish she would stop talking. Want to leave but I can’t move. His voice is from my nightmares but it sounds different. “Daryl, did you come to visit me? My Daryl. How the hell are you?” his voice is sugar sweet.

Judith looks confused, “He’s not your Daryl. He’s ours. No, he didn’t come to see you, he’s here because I asked him to be. I don’t think he wants to talk to you.” She must see something on my face. She puts her hand in mine and pulls. We walk away from the window and back towards the party. I feel like I’m looking at everything from far away and through a small tube. Then everything’s gone.

“He’s coming around. Back up, no telling how he’s going to react.” That’s Jesus’ voice and I open my eyes to see him, Aaron, Michonne and Carol standing or kneeling next to me. I’m on the ground about a block or so from Negan’s prison. I passed out, great that’s not embarrassing or anything.

“I’m fine,” I sit up slowly while looking at the ground. I’m so done feeling embarrassed. “Sorry. Must be the heat or something.”

“Get him something to drink,” Michonne says and Jesus leaves to do just that. “What happened? Judith said you were by the prison.”

“Yeah. Then we left and I must have passed out. Didn’t have enough to drink or something, that’s all.”

She nods but I have the feeling she knows better. “Okay. You should get something to eat too. Lots of good food. Even have hamburgers.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be right there. Stop fussing.”

They leave except for Carol. Jesus drops off the water and leaves too. Here it comes, I think to myself, the big lecture. “Judith doesn’t know what he did to you. She knows he’s bad but I’ve warned Michonne that Jude doesn’t see him as dangerous. That’s a mistake, as far as I’m concerned.”

I nod in agreement. “She talks to him often?”

“Yes and I think it’s terrible. No one should talk to him ever.”

“Why’s he still here? Why not kill him now that Rick’s gone?”

“Did you know Maggie spared him?” I nod and she continues, “He’s torturing himself. Losing his mind a little more every year. Sometimes he talks to himself in there and sometimes he talks to his wife, Rick or other people I don’t know. I still think he’s dangerous but he is in his own little hell.”

“Not enough. But not something I’m goin ta fight about. It’s why I can’t stay here.”

“I know. That’s why you should come home with me.” She smiles.

“Let’s not talk about that now, okay?”

“Okay. Let’s get you some food.”

There’s beer and it’s good. Bad idea but good. I spent some time with Judith and see Gracie for the first time in a while. Aaron is the proud papa and Jesus is so good with her. They’re family already. Over on the other side of the courtyard is Carol and Ezekiel. They are also a family with Henry. It’s tough but I like the smile on her face. He puts that there so he can’t be bad. Michonne and I sit near one another but don’t talk. I don’t know what to say. I can’t stay here and for some reason she wants me to. As it gets later, I realize that if I want to get back to my camp before dark, I should leave now.

I look at Michonne and open my mouth but she’s shaking her head no before I’ve even said anything, “Nope. You cannot leave now. Stay the night. See Judith in the morning, talk with me one more time and then you can go. Deal?”

She holds out her hand to shake. “Yeah okay. I’ve had too much to drink anyhow. Who knew I was such a lightweight now? Merle would be ashamed.”

She smiles, “Yes, he would. Rick would’ve loved seeing you so relaxed.”

“He was the real lightweight. He’d have been under the table by now.”

She laughs and tells me a story about them finding wine on one of their scavenging trips and it makes me smile and makes my chest hurt. I miss that man. She sees it on my face or something because she moves closer and puts her head on my shoulder. Her arm is around my back and I know if I stay here I’ll be crying again. I nudge her head and stand. Swaying on my feet and she steadies me.

“Time to find you a bed, soldier.” She’s all smiles but her eyes are sad.

“Yes ma’am,” I salute her and she laughs. I think I could make that my life’s work, making her smile and laugh. Never thought of myself as a comedian.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter in this story. Thank you to everyone who read the first story I've ever shared. You have made this a wonderful experience. I'm playing with some ideas for another story in this universe. Again thank you all.

The headache next morning reminds of days long past. I come downstairs and there is Judith at the table writing in a notebook.   
“Whatcha writing?”

“Good morning Uncle Daryl. It’s my journal. I don’t call it a diary because that’s for little girls and I’m not. I can’t tell you what’s in it though, it’s private.”

“Okay then, with ya secrets. What’s for breakfast and is there any coffee?”

“No coffee, it didn’t grow. There’s fresh bread and fruit in the fridge."

I nod and she jumps down and leaves. The journal is on the table and I know I’m going to look at it even though it’s wrong. The page she was writing on is the last one and it starts out with a surprise.

Dear Dad,  
Uncle Daryl came to the party just like Mama said. Don’t know how she knew but she was right. It made her so happy. She smiled more last night than ever. She looked so pretty. Uncle Daryl talked with Aunt Carol, Uncle Aaron and Uncle Jesus and played with Gracie. I didn’t like that he spent so much time with Gracie, I used to be his favorite baby girl. Mama says it’s not nice to be jealous but I think it’s not nice for Gracie to take all the attention. I think you would’ve had fun last night if you was here and Carl would’ve liked seeing Enid. She’s so pretty. Mama says I’ll be pretty like that someday too. I hope so but I’ll be strong too Dad just like you taught me. I don’t think Uncle Daryl’s going to stay here and I think its cause of Negan. Negan said they was friends but I don’t think so. I think he was mean to Uncle Daryl. I’m not going to talk to him anymore and maybe then Uncle Daryl will stay. Maybe I should kill Negan and that would make Uncle Daryl want to stay here. Got to go Dad. Love Judy

I’m out the door before the book hits the floor and I’m running towards the jail cell. I don’t see Judith anywhere. When I get to the building, I go down the steps and the door leading to the cell is open. I run through and there’s Judith. Gun drawn and pointed into the cell. I know it’s not too late because there’s no smell of gun powder. “No Judith, don’t shoot him.”

“Have to. Then you’ll stay and be with me and make Mama smile.”

“No Lil Asskicker. Leave him be. I’ll stay, I promise. Don’t shoot.”

“Thank you Daryl. I knew you liked me deep down.” The smile is the same one from all the days I spent at Sanctuary and the room spins a little but I refuse to pass out again.

“Shut the fuck up. Don’t talk to me or her again or I’ll finish the job for her. Let’s go Judith.”

Judith looks like she thinks she’s in trouble and I spend the walk back to the house reassuring her. Michonne is in the kitchen when we get there with RJ and the moment she sees us she knows something is wrong. She tells Judith to take RJ in the back room to play and the kids go. 

“If I was gonna stay, where would I live?”

“Oh Daryl, that’s wonderful. I’m so happy. You can live wherever you want. We have room here or there are empty houses all over.”

“Any near the cell? What about the house over the cell? Does someone live there?”

“Why would you want to live there? Daryl is something wrong? Did something happen?”

“Want to make sure he never manipulates anyone again. Did you know Jude goes to see him? She doesn’t even think he’s dangerous. How many people are here that weren’t when we first met him? I want to make sure he doesn’t ever take advantage of anyone again.”

“There’s no one in the house over the cell, if you really want it. There are other houses in the area too, if you want some space.”

“No I’ll take that house. I’m going back to my camp to get the rest of my things. Gonna take Judith with me, if that’s okay wit ya?”

“Yeah. When will you be back?”

“Couple of hours. It’s not far. Stay with you tonight and then make that house mine.”

“If you’re sure that’s what you want?”

“Yep, me and him have unfinished business.”


End file.
